Drowner (excerpt)

Lisa Twardowska

empty space. a pocket of light enclosed by darkness. a square of light projected. the contents: live blue water, short gentle waves, mixed with occasional accidental frames of leader and blank white light. matching audioscape.

Will / Will’s ghost

some vacation. goddammit.
afternoon picnic on the beach.
hot. humid. overcast.
swimming weather.

there was a gorgeous girl bicycling around the far side of the bay,
unbelievable legs,
with huge dark Audrey Hepburn sunglasses pushed up
on her forehead.
I was waiting for a breeze
to billow up her skirt when I felt
something
let go inside me. pulled me underwater and
I stayed there

the view is blurry
blue, muddy
like a still, shot with an out of focus lens.
the camera shakes, echoing the current,
crazy light refraction, lens flare, halos
angels everywhere, madly splashing

but what a shot.
process it by hand, cut it
together with some found footage…
years from now, covered in dust,
in a canister in an art museum, stock. nothing more than
more found footage. the director shoots his own death.
hurry up and get your quotation marks ready.
fire away you weekend warrior CBC radio prick.

hey, no, really: it’s good stuff. not fun. yes critical acclaim. not reviews, but
prize nods at festivals,
references in text books. ok,
only maybe 50 people in the entire living world’ve seen it.
my life’s work. and here we are. waiting on my 45th birthday.
swimming weather.
it’s just like a fucking Canadian to dwell on the weather.
isn’t it
this is the first vacation I’ve had in years. some vacation.
what a bitch.

2. Establishing shot

an urban dwelling place, probably the kitchen. 5 friends. all laughing, in the middle of something.

Siona:

in no particular order
throwing caution to the wind
he drank the last drop of
vodka and threw the bottle
in to the street
the echo of the glass smashing
between hotel towers,
standing up on top of the van
and then
taking off his shirt
(which was mostly unbuttoned already)
(god we all looked rough by then)
and helicoptering it around
over his head, dancing
then his belt buckle

Graeme:

then his belt, and his pants
those tighty whities
jesus
and then, whoosh,
off they came

Siona:

and oh my god
there he was in his
portly half tumescent glory
howling into the dark sky
like a quarterback after the big touchdown.
beautiful, scary. kind of gross
no one cared. Berlin, right, love parade, all night
sex clubs, booze cheaper than water, no
one gave it a second thought.

ha. I never wanted to see his hairy ass
but now
god, I’m glad he did it. I will never forget

Graeme:

naked as the day he was born

Caroline:

beautiful?

Jess:

beautiful

Mark:

I wish I could have been there

Jess:

I was there

Siona:

fuck yeah

Caroline:

I don’t think I ever saw him
that way. never out of control.
what’s the opposite of that
I don’t mean anal or repressed, that sounds so bad, not prudish
not like that but

Mark:

subdued?

Caroline:

just, yeah, just not wild.
subdued.

Will

she raises her glass

to William.

3. Flashback

an out of town festival. coastal city. mid-afternoon. a nearly empty café terrace by the sea. self-taking pictures, the kind where you extend your arm, lean back, and mug for the lens. finish it off with laughter, then the kind of silence that precedes a more serious conversation.

Will:

god,
that was something we never considered,
that it wouldn’t keep on going

you take a relationship like that, everything’s in one small hat
there isn’t room for growing apart, there isn’t any built in
elasticity, any pre-existing
difference

I know, I know, what you’re thinking
it’s boring, after so many years it gets
dull and tired, unless you’re into rad
I don’t know
rad, kinky sex,
non-vanilla sex, other partners, more extreme
stuff, then where do you go with it
everything gets used up

ten years is not that long
but it’s long enough to start to hate
someone that you used to love

I don’t want to hate her
don’t really hate her,
hate the fact of her, and don’t feel that
need to
touch her, to fuck her,

I just never feel that drive anymore
how could I tell her that

Mark:

that’s hard

beat

have you told her any of this?

beat

you have to talk to her

Will:

worst part is,
I think she knows.
the way she looks at me when
we sit. eating. in silence
I can barely swallow
it makes me gag,
I feel guilty

Mark:

you have to say something
it’ll kill you, it’s no way to live

Will:

she wants to have a baby

Mark:

so what

Will:

she’s 35. the time’s now.
i’m it, or she has to find someone else.
a donor, or get one of her guy friends, or go out and fuck around with
strangers, it isn’t fair, but that’s it

Mark:

you want a baby

Will:

I don’t not want a baby
I’m undecided

Mark:

but you don’t want to be with Jess anymore.
what a pure fucking mess

Will:

yes. a mess. can we get another beer

Mark:

you know what’s going on with me and Elena
always at work, both of us
moving in different directions

out of words. shared too much. suddenly awkward. server finally arrives with beer

Will:

race you to the bottom.