\u201cTracy jumping Meena bed, Tracy breaking Meena head!\u201d the new one we call Cat-Face shout. She call Cat-Face because she eyes green like real-life cat. Miss Benedict say there is cat so black only he green-green eyes make we know he really there. \u201cAnd you know what happen to them who go in the bush at night where the cat live?\u201d Miss Benedict stop gathering the dirty sheet and place she-self on the edge of Meena bed. Tracy stop jumping and we crowd round Miss Benedict. \u201cWhathappen? Whathappen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey never come back out the same way they go in,\u201d Miss Benedict say, looking deep into we eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d I ask, grabbing Tracy hand because I know a nansi story coming.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you can\u2019t see your shadow in the bush at night. You think you can but is only the light of the moon playing tricks on you. Is only the branch of a jacaranda waving in the wind or a spider monkey walking above you through the tall-tall trees. But the big black cat \u2013the jaguar \u2013 is a special kind of animal. He see everything with eyes like magic lights that switch on in the dark. And he see what you can\u2019t see.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat you can\u2019t see! What you can\u2019t see!\u201d Tracy parrot Miss Benedict.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you cross the jaguar in the night . . .,\u201d Miss Benedict raise one of them sheet she gather and throw it on Tracy head. \u201cLook out! He steal your shadow before you even know you had one!\u201d All ah we scream so loud we pee with laugh.<\/p>\n
Miss Armstrong get up to go but I follow her. \u201cWhy we have to see we shadow, Miss Benedict?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, Constance girl, you make me tired with all your questions. Your shadow is part of you, of course. How you know you really there if you can\u2019t see your shadow? If your shadow there beside you, you never alone. Is important to know you not the only little thing in this world.\u201d Since Miss Benedict tell we about the bush-cat what no one can see, Tracy stop jumping on Meena bed and start jumping on she shadow, saying the jaguar going to steal it.<\/p>\n
\u201cLord have mercy! How many times I got to tell the Ministry about visiting hours! They think they can send anyone anytime,\u201d I hear House Mother voice like loud-speaker outside we room. Miss Benedict roll up the sheet and shuffle she big self into the next room where all them baby lie.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy they don\u2019t send some help instead, eh? Why they don\u2019t let them pickney kin take them home? How many times Meena grandma come round<\/p>\n
looking to take that child but the paper-work not done? How many times Ministry say they not ready to release her? How many times I tell them about the others who get no visit since they been here \u2013 neither from they father nor they mother nor auntie nor uncle. Miss Tousignant and company sitting nice and comfy in them air-conditioned office sipping coca cola, while we is here sweating with more pickney coming every day. And still no help. Even Devon up and leave. \u2018I rather beat clothes by the trench than chase after them little devils!\u2019 That what she say to me before she go!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cClothes-washing work don\u2019t sound so bad to me neither sometimes,\u201d Miss Benedict say all quiet-quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat you say?\u201d House Mother mutter, while she hurrying to put some kind of bouncy spider thing over one of them baby bed. A little bell tinkle and I hear the baby make the happy noise, like he eat soap and bubble popping out of he mouth. House Mother smile too, giving the baby belly an extra rub so he make that happy noise again.<\/p>\n
\u201cMrs. Armstrong!\u201d I hear Paper Man call from the paper-room.<\/p>\n
\u201cLord, them people here already!\u201d House Mother say with a sigh so big it like hurricane pass through we rooms.<\/p>\n
I can see the Outside People in the main hall. A man tall and thin like coconut tree stop to put down a big bag. The bag have a sticker on it with two red stripe and one white stripe and some kind of red flower in the white stripe. It not like any flower I see before.<\/p>\n
Paper Man come into the hall. \u201cMrs. Armstrong, please take these visitors to the girls,\u201d he call to House Mother again. \u201cAnd don\u2019t forget to take the donations.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, it was nice meeting you. And thanks for letting us in to see the girls on such short notice. We\u2019ve travelled a long way . . .\u201d I see Outside Lady shaking Paper Man hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, yes,\u201d Paper Man say. I can tell he making big-big effort to sound nice but that only make him sound more impatient. \u201cWell, here\u2019s Mrs. Armstrong now. She\u2019ll show you around. And remember that it\u2019s very overwhelming at first.\u201d<\/p>\n
Over-well-ming. I try to repeat the word but it too hard for me tongue. Paper Man use too many big word I don\u2019t understand. So many big word Paper Man know but he still don\u2019t know we name. He never say hello neither. He never ask how we is. Even House Mother and Miss Benedict always nicer when Paper Man not around. And they say all kind of funny thing about him that don\u2019t sound too good neither, though it take me a long time to understand that the man they calling Abdul is Paper Man. Once I hear Miss Benedict talk <\/p>\n
\nabout Paper Man after he leave for the day: \u201cWhat her-highness Mrs. Deoguardi think she doing sending that Abdul to us? He don\u2019t even know how many mouths we got to feed here! Why she don\u2019t hire a real manager to run this place proper?\u201d<\/p>\n
House Mother suck she teeth the way she do before she get vex with we. \u201cHow long I been telling Mrs. Deoguardi I been hired to run the school downstairs? How long that blackboard and chalk gathering dust and them desks fill-up with spiders? I got training to teach, you know, and all-of-it wasted on cleaning babies\u2019 bottoms and spending the live-long day tracking down this person to come fry plantain or that person to scrub them toilets. And what going to become of them girls running wild like so?\u201d<\/p>\n
Then Miss Benedict say, \u201cNot just school-time cut since Abdul come. He cut out we staff too. First we lose Elsa. Then Devon. If they not fired they quit because they can\u2019t take it no more. And what this Abdul can do that volunteer girl Miss Aimsley can\u2019t do! Stupps! She better than Deoguardi and Abdul and all them Ministry people put together! At least she manage to get some babies out. At least she push Miss Tousignant to open she precious filing cabinet and look into things. At least she clean up the place good.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat rubbish you talking, Leona? That one worse than Abdul!\u201d House Mother raise she voice and then, after looking over she shoulder into the main hall, she lower it again. \u201cI rather have Abdul. At least I know what he about and he know to keep out of we business. At least he don\u2019t waltz in here for a day, turn we whole world upside-down and waltz back out, leaving we to put it all back together again. Them outsiders think they know everything but what they know about life here, eh? What they know? The money we get to feed fifty children in one month they spend on one meal in fancy hotel. What they know about life in this place, eh?\u201d House Mother start wiping one of the tables in the baby room hard-hard. Then she start up again: \u201cAnd what about the mess Miss Aimsley make before she leave? I never seen Miss Tousignant so irate! Now the Ministry don\u2019t even send their officers here to check up on things no more. Okay, Aimsley get one-two child out while she here, but how many times Mrs. Deoguardi blame we because that girl gone and done something she not authorized to do? Like that day she send Tracy to St. Mary\u2019s without knowing is a private hospital and the child get send back by taxi that I had to pay for from me own pocket! And then what she do? She take Tracy back to the hospital she own-high-and-mighty-self and make all kind of threat that if they don\u2019t treat the child she going to shame the Director in foreign newspaper.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut Tracy could have died. Aimsley save she life!\u201d Miss Benedict say.<\/p>\n
\u201cI not saying I not happy the child get attention. I just saying what good it do for the rest of them? What we got to show for it now? We been banished from St. Mary\u2019s forever.<\/p>\n
At least before Aimsley cause all that botheration they would send one of them doctors every few months for check-up and what-not as part of they charity work. But when the last time Dr. Romano come round?\u201d House Mother stop and point the dirty cloth she using to clean the table at Miss Benedict. \u201cBetter Abdul than Aimsley! Better we take care of we own.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut Abdul take care of no one but he own-self. And he take all the credit when Mrs. Deoguardi and them Ministry people come. Like he own the place. Like he own all ah we and have to make we feel small-small when them big-shot sniffing \u2018round.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbdul not perfect,\u201d House Mother straighten she-self up and look into the main hall. \u201cBut every rope got two ends. . . I just saying he got bigger problem than this place. Even change his name when he come back.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean his name not Abdul?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo girl! He look like he born a\u2019 Abdul\u2019 to you? His real name is Cartwright. He change it after he come out of hiding from the bush.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat he hiding from?\u201d Miss Benedict eyes turn big and round.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe run away from that gold mining project in the interior. He don\u2019t like what he see there. Nor what he had to do for the Army.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat he have to do for the Army?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, child, you more innocent than all them babies! What you think happen when Outside money get invested here and the Army part of the deal? Cartwright, I mean Abdul, say things get real bad up there. Amerindians been living on that land long, long before all ah we get here. Sitting on mountains and rivers of gold, they say. Abdul say women and children getting the worst of it. His own superior take one of them girls for he own pleasure. And that not even the half of it! Abdul see the company dumping all kind of poison into the rivers.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy they need poison to get gold?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI look like scientist, child? What I know about these things! I just know the rivers getting poisoned and children being born with all kind of problem.\u201d House Mother turn to look at the baby we call Paw-Paw because she head shape all funny. And she not like them other baby that make me ears fill-up with they tears. Paw-Paw never make no sound.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean Clara one of them?\u201d Miss Benedict look at Paw-Paw too, then at House Mother, then at Paw-Paw again.<\/p>\n
House Mother say nothing and she and Miss Benedict go back to whatever work they doing till I hear Miss Benedict ask, \u201cSo why Abdul change his name? They is after him or what?\u201d
\n
\n\u201cWhy else! After he run from the mining project he hide out with them Amerindians who run deep into the bush when they get chase out from they land. He say he go mad up there. He don\u2019t know how they get on surviving–some days without water, some days without light, some days with nothing to eat but cassava bread. He say he don\u2019t want to swallow another morsel of cassava if Allah bless it himself!\u201d House Mother and Miss Benedict chuckle.<\/p>\n
Then House Mother continue: \u201cFinally he and some Amerindian boy escape on the boat that go up there once every month to give the army they supplies. The boy have a piece of gold, Abdul say–not even big enough to make wedding band but enough to pay the boatman to smuggle them back here. And once them make it back the boy just disappear. Abdul don\u2019t have nowhere to go neither till an old neighbour spot him at the market. That is how he find his way to the mosque. They treat him good, he tell me, like he their long-lost brother. He come to the faith on his own terms, he say, and then he come out of hiding. Don\u2019t ask me how he end up here but is a real good thing he did. No one think to look for him here. They not supposed to have no political allegiance, you know. Maybe they give him protection if someone come looking.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean Mrs. Deoguardi? Who she ever protected but she own kind?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis place much bigger than Mrs. Deoguardi! She just like to make we think she still queen of the castle. But this place only standing because of Outside money.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo Abdul run from one Outside organization to another?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat can I say. Nothing make much sense in a place where the water never run clear.\u201d<\/p>\n
. . . \u201cMrs. Armstrong will show you where the babies are,\u201d I hear Paper Man say.<\/p>\n
House Mother straighten she-self up and make the spider-thing stop bouncing up and down. Then she tell Outside People to come in. \u201cThey sleeping now so it best we leave them be,\u201d she say, though she not trying too hard to keep she voice down.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can\u2019t hold them?\u201d Outside Lady ask.<\/p>\n
I can see them better now. She have long gold hair like the doll no one play with no more. Tracy, Becca and Cat-Face pull on it so hard the arm-leg-head come right off. Cat-Face wail because she only come away with the doll arm, and Becca come away with the boobies part, but Tracy get the head and she comb the doll hair till it fall out from all them little holes. No one try to patch it up or play with it after that.<\/p>\n
House Mother scrunch up she face and sing the little song she sing whenever <\/p>\n
Outside People come: \u201cWell-if-you-pick-one-up-you-have-to-pick-all-them-up-and-if-you-wake-them-now-they-won\u2019t-sleep-through-the-night-and-if-you-hold-one-now-they-cry-and-cry-till-they-held-again-and-the-good-Lord-only-give-we-two-arms-to-hold-his-treasures.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course, I don\u2019t want to upset the children or their routine. I can\u2019t imagine how difficult it must be for you,\u201d Outside Lady say.<\/p>\n
The lady have a nice voice and she smile a lot when she talk. Most of them Outside People don\u2019t smile. They just make face like Becca make when she have to eat soursop. But Outside Lady lose she smile when she see Paw-Paw. When Mrs. Armstrong see Outside Lady going to Paw-Paw, she look like she about to say something but she turn and leave the room even though Paper Man tell she to stay with Outside People.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat race and age you looking for?\u201d Miss Benedict say.<\/p>\n
Outside Lady turn away from Paw-Paw. \u201cGoodness, we don\u2019t care about race. But we\u2019ve been approved for an infant. 0-24 months. We can\u2019t have a child of our own, you see.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBoy or girl?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEither,\u201d Outside Man answer this time. He place one hand on Outside Lady back while she look into the bed where House Mother put the spider thing: \u201cLook how cute this one is! He\u2019s so small. He can\u2019t be more than six months old.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, Mrs. Armstrong boy! . . . ,\u201d Miss Benedict start to say and then bite she lip hard-hard, same like when we know we done something what can never be undone.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean she\u2019s going to adopt him?\u201d Outside Lady ask, pulling the spider-thing and making it tinkle again.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I just mean \u2026 well, I mean he special, you know. The babies just not ready for adoption right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd why is that?\u201d Outside Man ask.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause we don\u2019t know if they mother or father be coming back for them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean to say the children aren\u2019t abandoned? Then why are they here?\u201d Outside Lady ask.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes they parents just got nowhere else to leave them. Sometimes they come back for them; sometimes they don\u2019t. Like Constance, our oldest.\u201d<\/p>\n
Miss Benedict talking about me! I turn to push Tracy and Meena away but they already bored by the Outside People and move far from the gate that separate we room from the baby room.
\n
\n\u201cConstance been here too-too many years\u2014so we call her we oldest.\u201d Miss Benedict stop to look over she shoulder. Outside People facing Miss Benedict, but they eyes look like they searching for someone and no one at the same time.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople fly to your country like bees to a honey pot,\u201d Miss Benedict continue. \u201cMost of we have someone up there. Constance mother is one of them bees. But she only get visa for she-self, not for she daughter. The day she leave she take Constance to the airport and tell she child to wait where them sell sweets and things. The poor thing just stand there for two-three hours before the man at the counter ask what she doing there\u2014not because he care but because he think the child making ready to steal something. That how Constance remember it . . . what she tell the police when the man call them to take she away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean her mother left her at the airport? I can\u2019t believe it!\u201d Outside Lady say, wiping something from she eye.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe been waiting for she mama to come back ever since.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is outrageous! Surely the State can assume legal guardianship of an abandoned child! Why in God\u2019s name hasn\u2019t she been adopted or fostered, at the very least?\u201d Outside Man say, using big word and looking impatient like Paper Man.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople don\u2019t get too much help for that sort of thing here. If the child got family, the family usually take them. But is much more complicated when plenty family live Outside. And not many people willing to feed another mouth when they got so little to survive on. Besides, is not like before; now the Ministry trying hard to keep we pickney here . . . .\u201d Miss Benedict not able to finish her thought because House Mother come back and say something to Outside People.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh no! We were hoping to spend some time with the girls! And give them some of the toys . . . ,\u201d Outside Lady say. She try to smile again but she face look like Meena face the day the small-small woman leave her with us without saying so much as a good afternoon. It raining hard-hard that day and the woman float into the house with a river of water dripping from she clothes and hair. When House Mother put Meena in we room we couldn\u2019t tell if she wet from the rain or wet from she tears. Like someone rip open she sky.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe another day,\u201d I hear House Mother again. \u201cThe Ministry not supposed to send visitors whenever they feel . . . I mean so close to suppertime, after the babies put down for the night.\u201d<\/p>\n
Outside People not come back the next day nor the next day after that. Tracy laugh and say the jaguar steal they shadow. She say same thing happen to mama too.<\/p>\n
What Tracy know about that? What she know about Miss Benedict stories. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Outside People \u201cTracy jumping Meena bed, Tracy breaking Meena head!\u201d the new one we call Cat-Face shout. She call Cat-Face because she eyes green like real-life cat. Miss Benedict say there is cat so black only he green-green eyes make we know he really there. \u201cAnd you know what happen […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2574,"parent":148,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-1461","page","type-page","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mtls.ca\/issue19\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1461","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mtls.ca\/issue19\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mtls.ca\/issue19\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mtls.ca\/issue19\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mtls.ca\/issue19\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1461"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.mtls.ca\/issue19\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1461\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2676,"href":"https:\/\/www.mtls.ca\/issue19\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1461\/revisions\/2676"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mtls.ca\/issue19\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/148"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mtls.ca\/issue19\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2574"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mtls.ca\/issue19\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1461"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}