I am a product of pretending everything is perfect<\/p>\n
My mother
\nwould never let me out the house without waiting for her sweet time
\nto do her hair and make-up
\nEvery day she\u2019d make the same mistake of
\nletting herself think that if she \u2018looked\u2019 good
\nshe\u2019d feel good<\/p>\n
Now I\u2019m part of a cycle where
\nI\u2019d rather keep a long distance relationship with the ones I love the most
\n\u2018cause I know what it\u2019s to want to runaway every time somebody gets too close to home
\nand Home
\nWell, that\u2019s just another number on my MY5 Favourites phone plan<\/p>\n
I\u2019m scared for my ma’s well-being
\nShe\u2019s not the balance beam I want her to be instead she\u2019s a teeter totter of emotions
\nShe doesn’t take her medicine
\nShe doesn’t like to listen
\n\u201cThe doctors don’t know shit\u201d<\/p>\n
I confess,
\nMy mommy still spoon feeds me
\nDisaster, you’d call it
\nLiterature, I’d argue
\nShe gives me every reason to write
\nShe is the one who gave me life
\nand anytime I have trouble sleeping I blame it on the fact that she gave birth to me at night
\nAlone
\nShe’s the only one who didn’t just dig a hole and bury me in the back of her mind
\nthe same way my biological father did the day that he found out that one day I’d be alive…<\/p>\n
Hey Ma,
\nYou must be the only one who knows how much I love the moon!
\nWe’ve seen so much darkness together<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And now, right now?
\nall those memories of all we been through and how I was brought up seem to want to come up
\nthe moment I’m alone in the middle of a park
\nFor no reason, I cry,
\nand when I cry, I cry really hard – it’s like, embarrassing hard
\nSo for the sake of the public eye, I try MY hardest to stop
\nbut the more I try to stop,
\nthe harder I cry anyway
\nAnd because I am a product of pretending everything is perfect
\nI tell everyone who looks at me that I’m okay
\nBut I’m not
\nI’m actually really pissed off<\/p>\n
Just the other day my Ma told me,
\nto \u201cplease accept the fact that when you’re not well, you avoid some things\u201d
\nand I started to convince myself that she’s only avoiding me because
\nfor the past three weeks every time I call, she just let’s it ring
\nand I’ve been getting more and more pissed off at how she keeps ignoring me
\nYOU NEVER PAY ATTENTION TO ME MOM<\/p>\n
and I scream it, like a little drama queen
\nbut she just whispers back,
\nI’m afraid to let you see me like this<\/i><\/p>\n
And I wish with all my heart she hears me when I say
\nyou’re not perfect Ma
\nYou are worthy, of life
\nYou’re the one who taught me that
\nain’t it enough?<\/p>\n
But of course, she says
\nAin’t, is not a word.<\/p>\n