Stefanie Jahn

Three weeks later she gets a letter of her fiancé that he has arrived in South America one week later as planned. They have many problems with the working progress there, so that he has to postpone his return journey. But she has not to worry. He comes back as soon as possible, for sure. He is not able to call her, because in that village is no telephone. In the last lines, he tells her how much he misses her and that he can’t wait to get marry to her. She sighs, puts the letter away and strokes over her belly.

– Good, that you are alive… Good, that he’ll come back soon. I’ve started worrying, she whispers.

In the morning she was at the gynaecologist who told her that her stomach ache comes from her pregnancy. She is already in the tenth week. Everything is fine with her, he said. But he told her also that if she doesn’t want the child that she has only two more weeks to decide that. Just a few months ago there was a big newspaper article about abortion, because the legality of abortion passed the parliament. The article picked up the old discussion showing the feminist movement shouting, “We did it, too!” and “It’s our body! It’s our life!” These paroles could you hear everywhere five years ago. When the women were on their move forward, getting more and more rights. Now it was in her ears again.

– Miss Johnstone, are you listening? The doctor asked. It sounded as if it came from far away, from another world.

– Miss Johnstone, he repeated.

She recognized that she was still sitting half naked on the examination chair and she breathed a yes, scarcely audible.

– I asked you if there’s a father to the child, he said in a calm voice.

– Yes, there’s a father. We want to get married soon.

– Perfect! So you will be a happy family soon. You don’t have to worry. Sometimes it comes like a shock. That’s normal. Go home and make you a cup of tea. And tonight you make for your fiancé and yourself a good meal and tell him the news. He will be happy, too. You’ll see. I see you in few weeks, for the next examination, he said and went out of the room leaving her half-naked as she was on the chair.

Back home she found the letter and her doubts vanished.

– I will tell him the good news, when he’s back and I can feel his protecting arms around me again, she thought.

Happily, she started whistling a Spanish song, he taught her, while she cleaned and cooked a meal for two persons. And as always she brought the second half to her neighbour. She was happy for one week, until that morning we both fell in bitter grief…

– Sorry, where was I? I feel groggy like I have a hangover. Why are my eyes so watery like after crying? I feel restless like I am searching for something, maybe for yesterday. Or probably, I become senile like Hilde did. –

In that time, except of her and the old lonesome grumpy white-haired one, only families lived inside of me. It wasn’t common for a young woman like her to live on her own in the city. Now only young people live in me, sharing the flats for saving money, because most of them are poor students. One of them is always listening to Spanish music like Hilde was. She taught herself Spanish through listening to Spanish music and reading Spanish books. She wanted to learn Spanish because her fiancé told her that she would need it if she wanted to follow him to Spain and South America. He brought her books and vinyl’s back from there, so she was able to learn the language. So many times, they sat together in my outer ear and he told her fabulous stories about the lands so far away. One day, she wanted to see it with her own eyes. That it will also be his destiny, they didn’t know at that point. On that sunny Saturday morning, when she made herself a nice breakfast and opened the newspaper, she froze immediately in movement. The half of a breakfast roll coated with butter and jam dropped of her hand. The article, which caught her attention, was about an earthquake in South America, right there where her fiancé was working.

– I can’t be that he is under the thousands who lost their life. It just can’t be, she mumbled in fear. Instinctively, she held her belly. A shiver ran down her back. And few seconds later she felt the morning sickness growing.

– What shall I do if it’s true? We had so many plans. And the baby won’t have a father…Two weeks, the doctor said…No, Hilde! Everything will be fine! Erik will return as always, safe and sound, she told herself now again in her usual confident voice.

But if the destiny wanted her to born the child, she got a phone call after the two weeks had passed. On Friday morning one week later, a colleague of Erik called her and told her the undeniable fact that Erik was under the thousands who were taken by the earthquake. The searching took almost one week until they found his body.

– I am so sorry, Hilde. Erik told me about your wedding plans. I am so sorry. If I can do something for you, tell me!, He said.

She was just strong enough to reply and thanked him for his call and support. When she laid down the receiver, she sunk into the couch next to the telephone, buried her face in her hands and started crying. She cried for him, for herself and also for the unborn child in her belly.

– Where’s she gone? Hilde? She was there; right there sitting and crying on the couch, wasn’t she? Didn’t you see her? No? I could swear… – Where was I? Maybe I get old and tottery as she became before she left me forever. Please, stop this music! The bass makes me sick! Where are the old days gone? And the music out of the gramophone that made me dance? … At least inside my head they try to rescue me. They are cleaning, renovating and decorating. They try to remind me of the old days, when I was young and beautiful.

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