Writings / Fiction: Kenechi Uzochuwku

The ‘Unholy Bible’: King Lucifer’s Version

(Novel Excerpt)

PROLOGUE

The end is near I must tell you. And just in case I don’t make it, I hereby give you my memoir, my autobiography. I don’t pretend to make it as poetic and flowery as the bible; my tale need not have any aesthetic quality. There would be no verses, or any of such triviality. It won’t be in testaments, old or new. This is not an epistle or a letter to the Romans or the Corinthians or any particulars; it is not a book of proverbs or any other form of praise singing. I seek not to give any commandment, or to promise damnation to anyone. It is not for self-glorification either. This is just the missing parts of the Other Book; the other side of the story. I am believed to be many things, especially the father of all liars, but only the astute know that I, Lucifer, in all the centuries of existence have fathered no one. I may not be truthful, but I am precise. It would be best to have the Other Book open, as you read this, but open up your minds as well, and judge this matter.

There are two sides to every story. Even in the human courts, no case is decided until both parties have been heard or represented. I am not so comfortable that mere mortals are to preside over the rift between God and I, but God gave mortals the impetus in the first place, so let it be so. I have been silent all this while, because I didn’t really care and because I felt silence was the best answer. But silence works only with fools. What I do now, I do for you.  Not that I care one bit, but I have to set the records straight.

I have decided finally to say my side of the story. I am not trying to defend myself, no, I have done no harm except once or twice or thrice or …when necessary. You all are conversant with the Other Book and its tales. Well, that is God’s side of the story, his point of view. In the Other Book, there was no talk of what the characters were thinking or feeling, but in mine, I will tell you exactly what Eve thought of Adam, what Isaac thought of his father, what the Carpenter, Joseph, thought of his wife Mary. I will even show you the thoughts of the witnesses present at some of the events. I only do this so you can have all your conceptions in 3D. I know the bias against me is as old as man, but I am not deterred. Of course I can’t win this case; I lost it from the beginning. I was condemned a long time ago. No sentence can be passed on me that hasn’t been passed before. Daily I am being cursed and prayed against, with several attempts made on my life, but am almost immune

Really, I find it funny when mortals bind and cast me. I am immortal; I can’t get bound or cast. Cast to where? In the earlier days, prayers weren’t so violent and forceful; it was usually a quiet and supplicative affair. These days, a true Prayer Warrior is bodily fit through many of the fitness exercises he undergoes in the name of prayer. I hear them at times, in those churches where the kingdom of God suffers violently, as they tear themselves apart trying to cast me into “Abyss”, or “Bottomless pit”. Where are these places? Sometimes, someone would be binding and casting, another Prayer Warrior elsewhere would be losing and rebuking the very same being. If one takes stock of all the prayers going on against me at the same time, one would marvel at the contradiction it would cause if such prayers try to take effect. Mortals make me out to be this all-seeing, all-powerful being, but still, a being they can kill. When they pray sometimes, I hear, “Die! Die! Die!” Some even shoot imaginary guns or stab into the air believing they are actually stabbing and killing me in the spiritual realm. Their gestures crack me up. Others even go as far as commanding that I get suspended in the air or that I be thrown into the Sahara; wishful thinkers.  The universe is my domain. I am the king, I go anywhere I chose and usually at my own discretion.

Most mortals fail to realize that I have a very good working relationship with the Almighty. God makes inquiries on earthly issues that get his attention, and sometimes, He questions my decisions. Heaven and Earth are autonomous worlds, more like a Colonial nation and its Colony. God recognizes the sovereignty of the earth, and above all God recognizes that I am the ruler of this world. God’s will is done in heaven but not on earth. Here my will reigns supreme. If God knows this, why shouldn’t you? God created the world, but God isn’t in control of things in this world. I have absolute control of nature. I run things down here. Everything that happens on earth, I make happen. Stop attributing earthly events to God. Stop giving my glory to God. He has enough.

Whatever I might think of God, I won’t deny that He is a God of order. He doesn’t really interfere in my business except when an overzealous saint gets overly worrisome with prayers; otherwise he lets me do my thing. In such cases were he interferes, he does it quite politely. Like, I remember when He advised that I do away with Hitler and stop the world war madness. God had a little issue over the Jews and why I took it to that extent, and I told him that I had no hand in that particular detail. He had always being partial to those people. Well, I took my man Adolf away, but I gave him something befitting his status as one of the greatest mortals ever. He was a great man, faithful. I liked him.

More recent God asked what I thought of the new black president of America, I had only shrugged; I liked Bush better. I pleaded innocence on the death of the king of Pop; it wasn’t me. The heavens are still deliberating on whose side he should be spending his eternity; but I know where I would want him. But for God’s intervention, Osama would never have been found; I would have ‘translated’ him like I did my man, Hitler. My last consult with God was over the Nigerian problem. There I put my foot down. I told the Almighty that the nation hasn’t seen the last of my troubles. I feed on their hypocrisy. Good luck for them is only a dream. I understand that God has a few cronies among the people; but I have more than a few, I have a legion, as many as the number of churches in that nation. Aside from these occasional interventions, God minds his business and I mind mine.

Really you would find that I am not as terrible as I have been portrayed. I am called all manner of evil names; everything wrong is blamed on me. I am thought all dark and evil; I even have horns in pictures. But no being alive, dead, supernal or infernal is as beautiful as Lucifer, Prince of the morning. I am a super power. I was even able to fight the heavens; that was no mean feat, I must tell you. I am the only Other Power. I know my worth compared to God’s. God is the beginning and the end; but who do you think controls the in-betweens?  He is the Alpha and omega but I, Lucifer, am everything else. I indeed have a cause to be proud.

Every natural disaster is attributed to me. I am called the destroyer. Granted, I cause my own share of destructions, especially when a particular society begins to piss me off with their disregard and pretended righteousness, or when some place becomes over populated with the saints; I usually try to create some space. But I don’t do all. I tell you, the Lords own destruction is often more colorful and imaginative. That’s why He is God. And I suspect He tries to outdo me just to prove a point. Remember the flood? No, not Haiti, I mean the very first one. Who destroyed the whole earth with flood? In fact, I learnt that act from Him; I haven’t been able to perfect it yet. Who destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and brimstone and pillars of salt? Pillars of salt, of all things!

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